Godaddy releases a roll playing game
Posted in The interweb on July 4th, 2008 by Michæl
It’s wired isn’t it? Apparently Godaddy decided to release a roll playing game right on their webpage. I went to godaddy.com and *poof* there it was. All I wanted to do was change some php in one of my plugins, and Godaddy forced me into playing some weird game where I played the roll of a costumer that has a lot of time to waste, doesn’t mind being annoyed by a slow confusing website, and is willing to put up with a sub par hosting service.
Here’s how the game went.
WELCOME TO *GODADDY* THE GAME WHERE YOU PRETEND TO BE SOMEONE THAT DOESN'T MIND WASTING TIME ON A CRAPPY CORPORATE WEBSITE. YOUR PERSONAL WEBSITE IS BROKEN! YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES TO FIX IT. YOU HAVE: ONE WALLET ONE WATCH ONE CELLPHONE ONE LIFESAVER YOU ARE FACING NORTH ------------------------ > access website. ------------------------ WITH WHAT? ------------------------ > look ------------------------ YOU ARE IN A MIDSIZED LIME GREEN BEDROOM IN FRONT OF YOU IS A CAT IN FRONT OF YOU IS A WALL CLOCK TO YOUR RIGHT YOU SEE A GREATER COMPUTER OF COMPUTING POWER TO YOUR RIGHT YOU SEE A LESSER COMPUTER OF MOBILITY TO YOUR RIGHT YOU SEE A CHAIR OF SITTING TO YOUR LEFT YOU SEE A BED ------------------------ > move to greater computer of computing power ------------------------ YOU MOVE TOWARDS YOUR COMPUTER AND SIT ON YOUR CHAIR IT IS EXCEPTIONALLY COMFORTABLE. ------------------------ > access website. ------------------------ YOU OPEN A WEB BROWSER INSTANCE AND ACCESS YOUR WEBSITE. YOU DISCOVER THAT ONE OF YOUR PLUGINS IS NOT ACTING CORRECTLY. YOU RECOGNIZED THAT THE BEHAVIOR IS PROBABLY DUE TO A TYPO IN YOUR PROGRAMMING ------------------------ > ftp to website. ------------------------ YOU OPEN UP YOUR FTP CLIENT LIKE SOME SORT OF NINJA KILLING SOMETHING, BOTH SILENTLY AND AWESOMELY. YOU ARE PRESENTED WITH A LIST OF FILES ON YOUR WEBSITE. YOU HANDSOMELY AND DARKLY(AND DANGEROUSLY) AND AWESOMELY CHANGE THE DIRECTORY TO YOUR PLUGIN FOLDER ------------------------ > download the buggered plugin ------------------------ YOUR FTP CLIENT OPENS A NEW CONNECTION TO DOWNLOAD THE FILE. ERROR! THE FILE TRANSFER FAILS. YOU TAKE 3 SECONDS OF DAMAGE TO FIGURE OUT WHY. ERROR! YOU HAVE ALREADY ACCESSED THIS WEBSITE FROM THE SAME IP TWICE IN THE PASSED FIVE MINUTES! ONCE WHILE VIEWING YOUR WEBSITE ONCE WHILE LISTING FILES ON YOUR WEBSITE YOU HAVE EXCEEDED YOUR GODADDY ENFORCED LIMIT YOU ARE NOW BLOCKED FROM YOUR OWN SITE FOR FIVE MINUTES ------------------------ > access godaddy website ------------------------ YOU DESCEND INTO THE LOWER DEPTHS OF THE INTERNET TO ACCESS THE GODADDY SITE. ALTHOUGH YOU HAVE GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO GREEN THINGS THE GO DADDY SITE IS NOISY AND OFFENSIVE TO YOUR EYES YOU TAKE 2 SECONDS OF ANNOYING WEBSITE DAMAGE FROM GODADDY ------------------------ > login ------------------------ YOU LOOK FOR A PLACE TO LOGIN BUT YOU ARE DISTRACTED BY THE GODADDY GIRLS YOU YOU TAKE 5 SECONDS OF ANNOYING WEBSITE DAMAGE FROM GODADDY YOU FIND A PLACE TO LOG IN! YOU ENTER YOUR USERNAME AND PASSWORD THEN PRESS ENTER. IT SEEMS AS IF NOTHING ON THE WEBSITE HAS CHANGED TO INDICATE THAT YOU HAVE LOGGED IN YOU TAKE 4 SECONDS OF CONFUSION DAMAGE WHILE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT IF YOUR LOGIN WAS SUCCESSFUL YOUR LOGIN WAS SUCCESSFUL YOU GAIN 38 EXP CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE LEVELED UP WELCOME TO LEVEL 2 YOU NOW KNOW HOW TO CAST "AD BLOCK PLUS" ------------------------ > look for account management section ------------------------ YOU LOOK FOR ACCOUNT MANAGEMENT SECTION YOU TAKE 10 SECONDS OF CONFUSION DAMAGE. YOU LOCATE "MY ACCOUNT" SECTION CLEVERLY HIDDEN BY THE GODADDY OVERLORDS IN BETWEEN SOME ADS. YOU CLICK ON IT REVEALING YOUR DOMAIN AND A LIST OF OPTIONS, THE OPTIONS ARE AS FOLLOWS: -BUY THIS -BUY THAT -UPGRADE -PAY MORE -CONTROL PANEL -GET MORE FEATURES -PLACE OUR ADS ON YOUR SITE -PAY UPFRONT AND SAVE -BUY SOMETHING THAT ISNT REAL -DOMAIN AUCTION ------------------------ > click on control panel ------------------------ THE YOU ARE REDIRECTED TO ANOTHER WEBSITE WHERE YOUR CONTROL PANEL IS HOSTED. THIS SITE LOADS FAR SLOWER THEN THE PREVIOUS SITE YOU TAKE 5 SECONDS OF WAITING DAMAGE AS THE PAGE SLOWLY OPENS WITH A SLOW DEEP *CREEEEEEEEEECK* YOU NOTICE THAT THIS WEBSITE IS EVEN MORE CONFUSING THEN THE PREVIOUS THERE ARE EVEN MORE ADS AND A LOT OF THE BUTTONS ARE POORLY LABLED NOTHING IS LABELED WITH ITS CORRECT TECHNICAL NAME SEVERAL BUTTONS SEEM LIKE THEY WOULD JUST DO THE SAME THING SEVERAL BUTTONS NEED NOT BE LISTED AT ALL YOU TAKE 10 SECONDS OF CONFUSION DAMAGE YOU ARE UNDER ATTACK BY ADS THE ADS ATTACK YOU YOU TRY TO USE ADBLOCK PLUS BUT FAIL THESE ADS ARE AD BLOCK PLUS RESISTANT ADS DO 2 SECONDS OF AD DAMAGE TO YOU IN A KAMIKAZE ATTACK YOU ARE NOW EFFECTED BY AD APATHY YOU FIND IT HARD TO CARE ABOUT THINGS IN YOUR PERIPHERAL VISION. ------------------------ > click on file manager button ------------------------ THE FILE MANAGER IS EQUALLY SLOW AND CONFUSING SEVERAL FILES AND FOLDERS HAVE EYE ICONS BESIDE THEM YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT SEVERAL FILES AND FOLDERS HAVE KEY ICONS BESIDE THEM YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT SEVERAL FILES AND FOLDERS HAVE SQUIGGLY LINE ICONS BESIDE THEM YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS SUPPOSED TO REPRESENT YOU TAKE 2 SECONDS OF CONFUSION DAMAGE ------------------------ > locate plugin ------------------------ WITH EVERY CLICK YOU HAVE TO RELOAD THE ENTIRE PAGE AND IT IS A SLOW RELOAD YOU TAKE 30 SECONDS OF SLOW LOAD TIME DAMAGE YOU LOCATE PLUGIN ------------------------ > open plugin in godaddy file editor ------------------------ YOU TAKE 5 SECONDS OF SLOW LOAD TIME DAMAGE YOU NOTICE AN OBVIOUS TYPO NEAR THE TOP OF THE PLUGIN ------------------------ > fix typo ------------------------ CONGRATULATIONS YOUR WEBSITE HAS BEEN SAVED ------------------------ > leave godaddy ------------------------ ERROR, IN THIS GAME YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO MIND HAVING YOUR TIME WASTED.
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